It’s time for a personal blog… who needs a therapist or an anti-depressant when you are a blogger?  Just type those thoughts out, click publish & feel better about your twisted mind & imperfect life when you realize everyone else is exactly the same as you.

What annoys you?  I’m going to pick just a few to highlight… because believe me, annoyances prevail in my dysfunctional life.

Let’s talk about PEOPLE…

The 1-upper

We all have a 1-upper in our life & we all feel the same way about this person.  Get over yourself & allow me to enjoy 5 seconds of glory before you interject & talk about how great you are or how much you are looking forward to your “holiday” in Europe this summer after I just announced that I was taking the boys to Kings Island, maybe the Great Wolf Lodge if I can get a 2nd job.  OK, hun, enjoy the South of France.  We’ll throw down a snow cone in your honor at the theme park.

The Sideline Coach

Little Joe plays in a rec league for soccer.  Mind you, he’s 4.  And this rec league is sponsored by a local church.  Exactly who do these parents that hound their children from the sidelines think they are?  Not only are you annoying…. you’re embarrassing.  Let the kids play.  If you want to coach, then volunteer.  And again- we’re talking about 4-year-olds playing soccer in the side yard of a community church.  Not 25-year-olds competing for an Olympic gold medal in Athens.  Shut up & let everyone else enjoy the game and get some home videos without you barking in the background.

The PTA Volunteer

No offense against the PTA.  My offense lies solely with the parents (usually the moms) who are all up in my business & asking me why I haven’t volunteered in the lunch room or recess duty.  Really?  Isn’t lunch at 11am?  I’m at work…. like the rest of the people I know.  I’m sorry you have a problem or concern with this.  Here’s a package of stickers for you to use at the next class party.  Oh, those stickers don’t meet your standards or Jimmy’s mom already donated stickers?  Of course.

PLACES.

Scrapbook Stores

Really?  First… who has time to scrapbook?  I barely have time to get the camera out, much less actually print the pictures & decorate them.  Did you know they have lock-in style parties at these places & the attendees have filing cabinets on wheels that are full of construction paper & flair?  Yes, a bunch of women wheel in their supplies on the weekend and just sit around at these “parties” to cut & paste.  Sorry.  My idea of a Girls Night Out is closing down the local wine bar with my best friends, not arts & crafts night with the PTA Moms at the Scrapbook Store.

Coffee Shops

The pseudo-zen atmosphere & pretentious menus drive me crazy.  And can someone please get me a dictionary or translator so I know what the heck I’m ordering?  What happened to a good ole’ fashioned “Large Coffee?”  No – we’re expected to say the size in Italian, the type of coffee in French, and we’re left with some sort of yuppie-coffee-drinker lingo.  I love coffee.  I drink about 8 cups a day.  I’m just not the type who is going to sit at the coffee shop with my PC (gasp!) using the Wi-Fi or reading the newspapers.   And don’t forget the tip jar.  I hate a tip jar.  Attempted zen atmosphere = ruined.

Craft Fairs & Holiday Bazaars

Do you realize that women set their alarms for 5am to rush to the local high school for the annual holiday bazaar?  Yes.  They must have Earlybird specials or something?  Surely people aren’t getting up that early just because they enjoy the craft fair…  I’ve been once, and it’s a bunch of over-priced crap with a few decent finds.  You fight all these crazy people to get from booth to booth & everything looks the same.  Americana style knick-knacks.  And what’s worse… the “artist” is right there working the booth, so you can’t even make fun of the ugly angels & their twine hair without hurting feelings.  Craft Bazaars.  A true “1 & done.”

THINGS.

Tomato Soup du Jour

Have you ever heard the saying if the shoe fits, wear it?   Of course you have!  Note to all chefs – the shoe fits when it comes to Tomato Soup.  I’m talking about Campbell’s Condensed Tomato Soup.  Don’t mess with it.  It’s what everyone wants when they order a cup of tomato soup to go with their grilled cheese.  No one is interested in your Tomato Basil Soup du Jour…. marinara sauce with a spoon, anyone?  Gross.  You want to impress me???  I get it… Instead of water, try mixing the can of condensed soup with a can of milk.

The Customer Service Automated Voice

Your TV went out & you need to call customer service… Simple enough, right?  No.  Enter the Automated Voice Attendant.  I say “tech support” but the broad can’t understand me because my kids are having a sword fight in the living room.  Communicating with the Automated Voice Attendant is like a circus.  I always feel sorry for the real human being who finally picks up the line.  It’s nothing shy of a miracle when you get a live voice.  To call it customer service is beyond a stretch & it’s a true annoyance.

Playdates

I schedule a lot of things, but I’m not going to schedule my kids’ playtime or have a designated group of weirdo strangers that Joe & Mac get to hang with at the mall playground every-other Tuesday at 10am.  When I am at the mall, I can always spot the playdate.  It’s the shy kids who scream when another kid wants to go through the tunnel or down the slide.   The moms are easy to spot, too… all fake laughing amongst each other, and taking lots of pictures for their playdate scrapbooks.

I know you get it.  And I’m so glad you are reading my blog!

xoxo Produce Mom